its really hard to lose a loved one.. but at least when you know they have died, you dont having the lingering hope of seeing or hearing from them again to torment you. im not sure, but this may be worse. prayin, hoping, crying, screaming for them to still be there, while your mind and body despairs, losing faith that they do still breathe. your heart rends in two, partially believing he isn't here anymore, partially screaming that that's a lie. your mind can't accept it. "there's no way he could be gone, i simply cant imagine what itd be like without him.." it says. your body lies still, exhausted from internal struggle, dehydrated from crying out your fears, sick from weariness.

and i pray. pray that he's alright, or at  the very least, in the hospital or in rehab. just so that he's alive. and i wait. wait to hear from him, or from someone who knew him... to hear the news, good or bad.

i want so badly for him to still be alive and alright. idk.. plz be praying, for him and for me.